Alright. For no good reason the computer died on me. So now I'm rewriting everything again. Marvellous.
Yup...as I was saying, I slept at about 7pm yesterday till abut 6 am today, was breaking down uncontrollably last night and wishing I was Mr Quah instead then got too tired and so slept. But then, I'm still having a headache. Oh well. And why am I telling everyone I broke down yesterday anyway?
Something's wrong with me. I mean...well...I don't know...but is God really true?I mean, it's a common question I know...but is there many heavens out there? And does God really throw ppl to hell when they don't recognise him? It's sort of like selfish thinking because why should we try very very hard to convert all our close ones so that they would be saved and be in heaven with us? Aren't we suppose to be open in other religions?
Haiz. Should I even go for holy spirit weekend? I mean, I'm not feeling well, argued a lot with my mum regarding letting me out nowadays and all...I mean she's right. I've been missing alot of ballet classes because I was unwell and I'm unwell because I just didn't have time to rest much. And honestly, I don't want to argue anymore. I'm tired. I had wanted to be a better daughter, not like...what I am now. Argh! Why can't I just be Mr Quah? I'd gladly exchange my life with him. Like that's even possible. Sad...so so sad...
Anyway. Today's 2.4km run. Quite a number of girls just fell. Esp the Magdalena girls...Had a couple of girls who hyperventilated as well and had to be sent to hospital. Got quite scared with the girl Suzana or something. She kept sleeping and not breathing, was scared she'd give up halfway because she was too tired...I realise that not many ppl thank first aiders when we treat them...talk about manners, jeez. At least be a little more appreciative right?
Then got bianged by some ppl. Was really upset but decided to focus on looking out and treating the casualties...
Why? What did I do wrong? I mean, seriously. Am I so insignificant, so ugly, so unworthy, so cold or whatever that you just have to ignore me? Fine. Why should I care about you anyway? Why should I always get so upset about you? Or cry for your sake? Why should I bother if we drift apart? Why am I putting in so much effort to keep this going when you don't even bother? Do you even intend to be my friend? So maybe you've played finish with me, known more or less about me and you're trying to find someone more exciting. Or maybe I'm just simply too unpredictable for you. Too serious. Too fake. Too complicated. Too dark and freaky by what I used to do, the way I think and the way I am then and currently. I don't know. I've exhausted everything I could do. I've tried to spend time with you, I've tried to be more sensitive to your feelings, I've tried to even change myself to suit you and be so introspective, I've even gone down on my knees, crying and praying like nobody's business that we wouldn't drift apart, that I would know what to do and how to amend this. But you don't even do your part. You don't even show a single appreciation for me. What am I in your eyes? Just a piece of dirt? You're not worth my attention at all. I'll be more than happy to break all ties with you. I'll be happy to forget you ever existed at all. Because you've pushed me to my limits and this is all I can take. I'm glad I've thought through things and has stop wasting my time and effort for you. I keep saying I feel numb and empty sometimes. But even when my soul is gone and my heart is just a stone, I still feel, I still think, I still have my expectations. No matter what, I'm still human and I still have emotions. If you're not going to show that you do want our friendship to go on, then I'm not doing anything at all. I'm just gonna sit back and relax and you're all but a stranger to me. I'm not gonna be a fool for you.
Alright. So happy to get that off my chest. I hope those ppl read this message and reflect on their actions. Well, if they know it was for them in the first place. Or maybe everyone who read this message ought to reflect on their behaviour. Not saying there is anything wrong or something. Maybe there is. Depending on who you are.
Getting late, still had English Orals tomorrow. Need a good rest now before anything starts.
- #67
